I thought that I could not be hurt;
I thought that I must surely be
impervious to suffering--
immune to mental pain
or agony. ---------------------------------- Sylvia Plath

It's Christmas 1939, Grimm's fairy tale, "Snow White and Rose Red", is being performed at the City Theater and the little boy sits beside his mother in one of the expensive seats in the house. It is a balcony seat that used to be reserved for royalty of the state in the previous century, and it is situated such that one can see as well as be seen.

The curtain rises for the last act; the poor fairy tale family is in their little cottage. Father and mother are sad because they have no firewood for the oven and no food for the children, and Snow White and Rose Red are sad because the friendly bear does not live with them anymore. The 'little boy' however is not sad because he knows how the story will end. There will soon be a knock at the door and the friendly bear will come in with his servants who carry food and presents for all. Yes and then there will be the big surprise: The bear is not really a bear but an enchanted handsome prince!

But the little boy is mistaken; he does not know how this theater evening will end. There will be a surprise for him too, which his "loving mother" has carefully prepared. For him personally a beautiful fairy tale will be turned into a terrifying nightmare.

At the end of the show Santa Claus, who his mother had paid off with a few hundred German Marks, is coming on stage. He looks very impressive with his red coat and long white beard and an over-sized pencil, and a hush comes over all the children in the theater. Each one is allowed to shout his Christmas wish and he will, with the help of his magic pencil, write them all into his big book at the same time. But first he must admonish one or two children who have been particularly bad, especially -- and he calls the name of the little boy --who must step forward to the railing so that everyone can see him. "I have heard terrible things about this boy!" says the stern Santa: "He still wets his bed!"] Each- and boo- scream the children and point their fingers at the little boy. "And he still wets his pants and picks his nose!" Yuck, boo, and hiss, sounds the screams from many hundred children, and they all point at the little boy.

What do you think, is the little boy crying? No, there are no tears on his cheeks, his face is unmoving. In his five years of life his 'German Mother' has succeeded; he has all his emotions suppressed, he does not even feel fear. What a marvelous spectacle of shaming has this German mother created in the theater, to crown her achievement! The creativity and imagination of the people in "The land of the poets and thinkers" is remarkable, regardless if the job is the "Murder of a child's soul" (Schatzman, 1973), or the shaping of tattooed skin of Jewish concentration camp prisoners into lamp shades.

How well this 'German Mother' had done her task showed itself just a couple of years later when the Allied forces began their massive air raids against the city, (It was the home of a major submarine shipyard and navy base). How surprised was the little boy when the grown-ups in the bomb shelters started to scream and panic during the attacks; he just could not understand them. Later during the war one day, the air raid warning failed to function, because the Allied had managed to block the German radar system, and the doors to the air raid bunkers were still locked when the bombs were already falling. It was then that the little boy alone kept a cool head and managed to open the door to save the lives of fifty screaming grown-ups, who then nearly trampled him to death trying to get in. Do you think that was an act of bravery? Not really, to be brave requires us to overcome fear and that was one feeling the little boy had totally forgotten. No wonder he did not have any pride about his deed but felt a lot of contempt for the grown-ups for trying to kill him; but also shame that something had been forcing him to act so inappropriately for a seven year old boy.

Of the many fairy tales in the collection of the Brothers Grimm, it was the story about "The boy who left home to learn how to fear" which fascinated the little boy; if only he could understand the ending. The story begins when 'boy leaves home' and we do not know why he does not understand fear. (Thou Shalt Not Be Aware, Alice Miller, 1981.) After some initial feats of fearlessness he saves a kingdom from an evil spell and gets to marry the princess, but he still has not learned what fear is, and therefore, is constantly depressed. According to Grimm's retelling of the story, the princess consults the chief psychologist of the kingdom (the magician) and, following his/her advice, pours a bucket of cold water with live fish into the bed of the sleeping young man. Screaming "Each and Yuck" he awakens and says,
Now I know what fear is, thanks to my 'loving' wife!"

Obviously, the Brothers Grimm were not psychologists nor had they studied Joseph Campbell. They have distorted the ending to make it a "happy one" for a Walt Disney production. Fairy tales are the mythologies for the development of the individual, while the great myths are the metaphors for the developmental path of a people, and in the case of the Grail story, for the entire western world. (The Heroes Journey, J. Campbell) Cold water symbolizes cold emotions, (C. G. Jung) and a cold-blooded fish obviously stands for a living being having no feelings. I am quite sure that it was the princess who got into his bed and not the royal fish tank; and thanking this cold lady is quite beyond the wisdom of a teenaged run-away boy. The cold water and the live fish are a metaphor, and tells us that the process of awakening his emotions (the happy ending) is accomplished in a close personal relationship and not by any external feats of bravery. I sympathize with the Brothers Grimm, and I truly wish their interpretation could work, but it can't. I know, I am --- "The boy who left home to learn how to fear" ---.

Sylvia Plath wrote these lines when she was 14. She became world known with her novel "The Bell Jar" and took her own life when she was 31.

AN INTERPRETATION

This story was certainly not a single event in my childhood. Public humiliation was a constant part of my life. In school I was a very slow learner, maybe because repeated inner-ear infections had given me a severe memory deficiency. Twice, I failed a grade and had to repeat it, with shame and ridicule provided by the other children. I also had to repeat these life-saving stunt of others while I still was a child, but from now on I always heard the crowed screaming: "What a strange and awful kid! Shame on him! In effect, they were screaming: "save BARABASS! "

I was basically fulfilling your above commands my old friend, and maybe I deserved my stinking Karma. When my mother shipped me off to an expensive Nazi-camp in the mountains and picked me up again 6 month later, I did not recognize her as my mother --- my first words to her were: "who are you?", as if she knew that, --- never ask people questions they can't answer, --- it makes them angry.

What was the result in my life with this type of ------ "Karmic SET UP" ------ ?

First, what was the positive Kosmic (karmic) purpose for my set-up? It made my actions (saving lives etc.) and my THINKING totally independent of all conventions of society, below and above, similar to Nietzsche's highest Lion/Child stage. (A wheel that runs independently by its own power.)

But the price I had to pay for this was heavy. I became unable to function socially in any pleasant and effective way, because my alienation from society put me into a constant state of defense (hypertension) and ready for a counter-strike. This then prevented me from achieving any leadership role or financial power in this life.

In it self, this powerlessness does not bother me, but it prevents me from implementing the one great new concept I have developed in and for my profession of electrical engineering. It is something, which would better the quality of life for many millions.

In my opinion, here is the fundamental flaw in this particular "Set-up". Who ever arranged this "Karma" made a mistake! --- It became a Conundrum, a catch 22 ---